Breastfeeding and Me

This week one of my friends was verbally attacked on Facebook. It disturbed me greatly. Her response was well thought out and concise and far more diplomatic than I would have been. I admire her for that.
But it has led me to write this post.
It is about my breastfeeding journey. It explains why I will never let anyone belittle me for being proud of breastfeeding. It will explain why I will always seek to support and educate women.

I couldn't breastfeed Ryley.
After a traumatic birth, in which I was sent to recovery for 2 hours and he was sent who knows where (up to the ward with my parents I think), Ryley wasn't interested in feeding.
Oh he must be just sleepy, nevermind, lets get some of your colostrum anyway and we will try again later.
OK. So it's not my fault then? Phew.
I then got milked by the nurses. Every 3 hours.
I was told that I wasn't attaching him right. I was getting too upset, which made him upset.
We had better give him some formula.
OK. So now I am starving him. Great.

I had so many people around me who told me I was the one doing everything wrong that I actually believed it.
Everyone can breastfeed. It's not hard. Stop getting so upset. Let me try and attach you.
I ended up expressing milk for Ryley for nearly 8 weeks. He would take an hour to feed what little I had expressed. He would then sleep for an hour (which I spent expressing) and then he would wake up vomiting.
I had no choice but to feed him formula. I barely had any supply left and was exhausted. He wasn't putting on much weight and it was apparently because of my milk.

It was devastating for me. As it turns out, Ryley didn't have the jaw strength to breastfeed. He just couldn't attach. Partly because he has a disability. Not because I am a total failure as a woman.

I still wish I had went and searched for more support. But I wonder if I would have found it? Possibly not.
Do I regret not being able to feed Ryley?
Not anymore.
It was just one of those things. I did try and I should feel proud of myself for giving it a go.

And then there was Braeden.
The minute he was born and placed on my tummy, he started making his way up to my breast. He got there so quickly! All 9lbs of him wiggled up and just latched on.
Perfectly.
We gazed into each others eyes as he drank, and I felt this amazing euphoric feeling. All my fears about breastfeeding just melted away.
I was actually doing it!
I cried with utter joy.

Braeden is 25 months old and still feeding. I am so proud of myself for sticking to it. I have fed through mastitis twice. I have had nipple blisters several times. I have fed when I have been so sick I can't move. I have given up sleep because Braeden still feeds through the night at least 3-4 times (if not more). It has been HARD BLOODY WORK. There have been times I have just broken down crying in the middle of the night because I am so exhausted physically that I feel like I can't go on. I have put up with people's snide remarks and judgements of me because I continue to feed.
I will NEVER apologise for being proud of breastfeeding. I have worked hard to keep up and give my son the best start I can give him.

I have never judged someone for breastfeeding or not. Because I have been judged myself. I know what it is like to feel the pressure, feel like you are the worst mother in the world. No woman should be made to feel guilty for the choices that they make in regards to breast or bottle feeding. It is a personal choice. Not everyone can breastfeed, not everyone wants to.
I think that there needs to be more support out there for women full stop. Having a baby is hard work. Once upon a time, all the women in the neighbourhood would support each other when a new baby was born. This doesn't happen anymore.

So breast, or bottle.
It doesn't matter.
But own the choices that you make. Don't blame others. Don't be afraid to seek support. Don't feel like you need to justify yourself.