Ever got to that point as a parent of a child with a disability where you just feel like you cannot go on another minute without a break of some sort?
Your energy is spent.
You can barely put one foot in front of the other, let alone hold a conversation.
Every time you think of a nappy change, a PEG feed, medication giving, dressing/undressing, lifting, you just feel sick in your stomach.
That is how I have felt today.
Like I just cannot physically move any more.
Like I just can't watch another seizure.
Like I just can't try for the millionth time to understand what Ryley wants.
Like I just can't help him understand why he isn't staying at school today.
Like I just can't look into those beautiful eyes again without feeling like the worst mother in the world.

I have to keep going though.
And I will find the energy to play with the playdough, or draw, or go on the trampoline.
And I will tell Ryley that tomorrow, he can go to school on the bus.
And I will comfort him again after his twenty hundredth seizure.
And I will look into those beautiful eyes and plead with him to forgive me for not being much fun today, and that tomorrow is a new day filled with promise and hope.
And I will tell him that I love him.

Comments

  1. Being MeFebruary 3, 2011 at 5:43 PM

    I can offer nothing but validation that you've been well and truly heard xxxooo

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousFebruary 3, 2011 at 6:22 PM

    I second 'Being Me'.
    Breathe deep, look into those beautiful smiley eyes and carry on..like i know you will.
    Thinking of you, take care and let me know if i can help in any way.
    XXLiv

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnnaFebruary 3, 2011 at 6:36 PM

    Thanks Kirrily xxoox
    Liv- Thankyou too. I think it has been one of those days today, where everything seems to have gone wrong and I am just exhausted. 8 weeks of school holidays and sickness and everything else that just happens in life as taken it's toll! xoxxo

    ReplyDelete
  4. UnknownFebruary 3, 2011 at 8:38 PM

    Dont feel like a bad mother... You do an amazing job...and being a parent to a special needs child is tiring, exhasting and constant on those bad days... but with saying that when you are having a good day, that is when being a child to a special needs child is 'Oh so rewarding!!!' Keep up the great work!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnnaFebruary 3, 2011 at 9:00 PM

    Thanks Mel. Constant is a good way to describe how the day felt today. Some days are just harder than usual and being tired seems to be what makes them worse. And I agree the good days make you forget the bad days because they are rewarding xoxox

    ReplyDelete
  6. AlisonFebruary 4, 2011 at 7:19 AM

    Anna - big hugs. You're not a bad mum at all - you're doing a great job with your boys. Being a mum to a SN child is a TOUCH job and we all need a break sometimes. Thank God for school going back hey!

    ReplyDelete
  7. KristyFebruary 5, 2011 at 4:10 PM

    YOu are a wonderful mother Anna! Your boys are so lucky to have you. Hang in there. :) Hugs to you.

    ReplyDelete
  8. SeleneFebruary 21, 2011 at 12:47 AM

    I hear you, and think we should all be honest that we feel this way sometimes. Sending belated hugs. I've been there a lot lately too.

    ReplyDelete

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